It’s my ex-husband’s birthday in a few days. In the past (pre-separation) the family routine for this day was reasonably predictable. I would make something he liked dinner and bake a cake, organise gifts from myself and from the kids, and usually work in with some plan of his mother’s to also celebrate the day. For his 40th, I organised a get together with family, and two different gatherings with friends and organised a gift based on Plan B, because his mother told him he didn’t need what I originally intended to buy him.
As a comparison, for my birthday each year I organised dinner and a cake, although in recent years the kids have generally organised at least the cake. I organised gifts for my ex and the kids to give me. I made an effort to catch up with my parents for lunch or coffee around the time of my birthday. For my 40th, I organised to go out for dinner to a restaurant with my children, ex and parents, prompted him to go and pay at the end of the night, and bought my own birthday gift over his protests that what I wanted wasn’t really what I wanted.
Last year his birthday was only 7 weeks after the separation and everything was still in a state of chaos. I reminded the kids about his birthday and gave them money and they organised a gift for him and had dinner with him to celebrate.
This year it’s more complicated. It’s been a horribly traumatic 14 months and I’m past the numb ‘shock’ stage and well into a kind of PTSD stage where there are an unbelievably large number of triggers that spark significant emotional trauma responses. The challenges of separating my life from his and dealing with his ongoing emotional manipulations while simultaneously trying to process the emotional abuse of the past (and raise three teenagers, work full-time, and maintain a new relationship) mean that I am exhausted and often feel overwhelmed, resulting in almost constant background anxiety and, occasionally, some rather spectacularly awful panic attacks.
So, it’s probably no surprise that the need to work out what to do about his birthday this year has been an emotional and logistical challenge. I’ve reminded the kids (one month ago, two weeks ago, this weekend) that his birthday is approaching. I’ve told them I’ll make money available to them to get what they want. The kids are largely indifferent and haven’t put any effort into getting him a gift or making any plans to help him celebrate.
I get their indifference. He’s been awful to them in many ways over the past year. Celebrations of special events have been particularly difficult and have apparently often been accompanied by his repeated comments about how things used to be so much better when we were able to be together as a family before I ruined everything and made everyone miserable by leaving him. I also know that if they don’t do anything, he will report it as further evidence that I am undermining his relationship with them.
Looking at things logically, I can see why someone would think it is reasonable for me to simply say that aside from making sure the kids have adequate money available for a gift, that I want nothing to do with any special events/gifts for my ex. He never put any effort into those events for me during our marriage (forgot my birthday at least once and our anniversary multiple times, never organised gifts for my birthday, Mother’s Day and/or Christmas or any other special occasion). In fact I can see that it would be reasonable for someone to say that I’ve well and truly discharged my gift-giving responsibilities to him since I not only organised gifts FOR him, but also every gift FROM him to myself, his children, his parents and sisters, and others over the 22 years of our marriage.
But, instead of being able to shrug this off and move on, I feel an overwhelming sense of guilt and frustration with myself. I feel like I should be able to rise above this to ensure that the kids buy him a gift and make an effort to connect with him for his birthday. I feel guilty that I’m not able to better encourage them to prioritise him. I feel like a horrible person that I can’t bring myself to put time or energy into thinking of a gift he will like for the children to give him.
I’ve read the meme that regularly does the rounds (usually around Mother’s Day and Christmas) about the man who helps his kids purchase gifts for his ex-wife (their mother) as well as buying her flowers and helping the kids make her breakfast for her birthday, etc. I’ve read how he explains this effort on his part as a lesson to his children about valuing and respecting their parents, and showing that even though he is no longer with their mother, he values the importance of her contribution to their lives. I’ve watched friends navigate the emotional challenges of ending a marriage while still managing to prioritise their children by establishing a functional and even friendly relationship with their ex-spouse that includes helping the kids to celebrate special occasions for and with the other parent.
I’m not doing any of that. And I feel like I should be able to, that I should at least want to, because I should want that lesson for my children about love and respect and the importance of giving to those we care about and who play significant roles in our lives.
I feel like a failure because it’s impossible for me to work out where my involvement in the kids’ relationship with their father begins and ends. I don’t know what aspects I’m responsible for facilitating and what I can legitimately step away from. I feel like I should have found a way to better navigate the separation so that the kids weren’t put in a position of having to relate to their parents as two completely separate entities – they have a mother and a father, but don’t really have parents working as a team for their welfare. Although, if I’m honest, they never really did.
I’m annoyed with myself for finding this so emotionally crippling. Surely I should be able to simply pick out a book, movie or music CD, suggest the kids buy it and walk away. But I can’t, which makes me feel small and mean-spirited. Surely it shouldn’t feel like such a sacrifice to spare five minutes thought on a gift.
So, today I’ve felt like a failure because there is nothing in place for the kids to give their father for his birthday, because I haven’t found a way to encourage them to organise a gift by themselves, and because I’ve hurt someone I care about deeply by having a panic response to being confronted with a request to choose a gift for my ex.
It seems like such an insignificant thing to respond to so strongly. I’m sharing about it here because these unbelievably hard, seemingly insignificant moments are now part of the everyday fabric of my life. Aside from my love for my children, my partner and a few very close friends, there are so few things I feel confident about and it’s a constant battle to not feel like this uncertainty and overwhelm is because of some inadequacy on my part.
I’m okay, but today has been another hard day. 🙁