Exhaustion by a thousand thoughts – it’s like death by a thousand cuts, but inside my head.
There’s all the surface thoughts. They’re continuous and the usual mix of good and bad. They’re tiring, but not exhausting and they’re often little more than a vaguely annoying buzz in the back of my mind while I’m focused on other things.
There’s the thought loops. These are often also in the background. Upsetting, rather than vaguely annoying. Demoralising. They’re the thoughts that take all the positive minor thoughts hostage by reminding me of all the things I’ve been conditioned to believe about myself – I’m not good enough, I’m inadequate, and I’m a disappointment. Everything is my fault and everything is my responsibility. Who I am and what I feel is unimportant. These thoughts are so familiar I’m not sure could call them exhausting either. They just are.
There’s the thoughts I consciously take hostage myself. Opinions, suggestions, thoughts about what I feel, what I want, how I want things to change. Those thoughts aren’t exhausting, but the constant monitoring to make sure I don’t inflict my needs on someone else is. Not that it always works. Those opinions, suggestions, complaints and requests sneak out anyway. And then there’s the wave of self recriminating thoughts that follow those breaches. They’re exhausting too.
The most exhausting thoughts, the ones that wear me down, are the ones where I’m constantly debating with myself. Constantly reminding myself that it’s okay to want things, to be myself, to make mistakes, to let go of feeling responsible for every one and every thing. The thoughts where I’m reminding myself that my life is good and that I’m so very lucky to love and be loved in the way that I am, that it’s okay to believe that will last. The ones where I’m trying to convince myself that I’m safe now. That I can be myself.
The thoughts where I’m trying to work out who I actually am and what I want for myself after so many years of prioritising the happiness of others ahead of my own. Instead of my own. Those thoughts are beyond exhausting. They’re a mix of frightening and overwhelming. And they make me sad because I never have any answers.
Most days I’m okay. There’s a kind of fragile balance. Other days I’m good. My life is genuinely wonderful and I’m exceptionally grateful for all that I have.
And other days, something happens to shift the balance and I don’t have the energy to put forward all those arguments for why I love my life so much. I feel weak and broken and selfish and needy and so incapable of ever getting to the point where the reality of my life isn’t in conflict with all the things I tell myself inside my head.
So today I will just accept that I am exhausted. Tomorrow is another day where hopefully the fragile balance will be back in place.