When I left my marriage, I expected the decision to leave would be the hardest part emotionally. That deciding to end a 22 year marriage would be harrowing, but after that, no matter how tough the decisions were, I would still have the relief of being free after feeling trapped for so long to carry me through.
What I’ve discovered is that pivotal decision was the first of what has become countless moments that have been so emotionally overwhelming that I’ve been convinced, often, that I simply don’t have the emotional reserves to deal with anything else. And then the next challenge comes along and I drag myself up, push through, and then retreat into myself to gather my defences before the next onslaught.
There are the obvious challenges of course. All the external issues like supporting my children, dealing with family and friends, finding work, the legal and financial aspects of separation and divorce, and dealing with my ex as we redefine our relationship. I’ve cried more times than I care to remember about all of these things and I’ve found the issues I’ve dealt with heartbreaking on many occasions, but they are all predictable consequences of my original decision to leave.
What has caught me by surprise are the internal issues I’ve had to deal with. Coming to terms with how emotionally broken and damaged I am. Feeling emotionally fractured and unbearably lonely and isolated. Feeling incapable of connecting with others because the emotions I’m dealing with are so intense and overwhelming that my head often doesn’t have room for anything else. Feeling like a failure as a friend. Feeling undeserving of the new relationship I have. Feeling selfish and cruel because I couldn’t put my own emotions aside to reassure my parents and respond to this situation in a way they could accept. Feeling weak and needy and broken beyond the ability to be repaired. I feel worthless.
I doubt myself at every turn. I’ve spent the past two decades constantly suppressing myself and trying to make decisions based on what would keep my husband’s world functioning. I’ve spent so much time filtering my thoughts and feelings that I feel like I don’t even know who I am and what I want anymore. Of course I expected there would be some need to redefine myself after leaving the marriage, but I didn’t expect to find that I would have to rethink every single aspect of myself. My thoughts. My opinions. How I see the world. Every emotion I feel now goes through an exhausting process before I can work out whether it is genuine – am I over-reacting to a trigger (there are so damn many of them), am I overthinking, am I slipping back into old habits of repressing myself in order to appease someone else, and I simply wrong and misjudging the situation. Happiness, frustration, confusion, pride, love, affection, gratitude – I second guess them all. I am always ready to assume that I’m at fault.
I don’t think there is a single thing that I used to believe about who I was that still holds true. I feel like I’ve lost myself in this, or more accurately that I’ve realised that I lost myself long ago and didn’t even notice. I wonder constantly what I have to offer anyone now – why anyone would be willing to care for me when I am so incapable of caring for myself.
I am grateful beyond words for my children who have given me a point of reference through all of this. Their love and belief in me hasn’t wavered and in my most fragile moments, that belief helps me to believe that I’ll get through this somehow. They remind me constantly of one of my favourite lines of poetry, from Valediction: Forbidding Mourning by John Donne “Thy firmness makes my circle just, and makes me end where I begun.” They help me to believe that I’ll find my way back to myself, even if takes a long time.
On days like today, I hold on to that belief. Because today is a hard day.
Oh, I believe in you.
Could you view it as being in a cycle of change, repair and healing and that takes time.
You will come out the other side.
Be kind to yourself.
Hang in there. You are a brave woman to share this stuff. I remember experiencing the same thoughts and feelings and emotions as those you have articulated here. To get back to the person you really are takes time and pain and intense introspection. There is a light and a new beginning on the horizon, but after having lived through it and come out the other side, I do believe this process is a necessary one. You will emerge stronger, and more resilient and capable than ever. You will be clear about the people and experiences you want in your life and you will know how to avoid what doesn’t work for you. You will be equipped with the ability to identify your supporters and your detractors. You will know when you need to ask for help and who to ask. You will also know that your best friend in the whole world is yourself. You will come to understand your true inestimable value. The people who can’t or won’t see that value will lose all their power to affect you. Life will continue to throw you curve balls, but this thing you are going through now will strengthen and enlighten you. Keep going it’s worth the pain and effort.
You are a loved x
You are braver than you know just for getting to this stage. You are a wonderful person. You are fantastic mother. You have been a good partner and you are negotiating a new relationship with the father of your children. I know it seems overwhelming right now, but you have this.