In less than 12 hours the divorce hearing will be over and my application for divorce will be processed and approved by the court (I hope). In one month the divorce will be finalised.
I should feel happy.
Instead I’m remembering that the feeling of being released from a cage when I made the decision to leave was counterbalanced by an incredible sadness and sense of failure that I hadn’t been able to make the marriage work.
I’m remembering what it felt like to describe my marriage to others, honestly and openly, and have them react in a way that made it obvious that what I’d accepted as normal – what had been my normal – was not normal at all. That my relationship had been twisted and dysfunctional and the effort I had made over so many years to make things work had been futile from the outset. So many wasted years.
I’m remembering the awfulness of the separation. Of having someone who professed to love me respond to my claim that he’d never really liked who I was as a person with “you’re right, but I’m okay with it now”. That he believed I only thought I wasn’t in love anymore because evil spirits were manipulating my thoughts and deceiving me. So many awful words and accusations and lies.
I’m remembering that somehow, despite all the horrible words and actions, one of the things that made me the saddest was his gift for flowers a few weeks after our separation. Flowers that were apparently supposed to make me feel valued, but instead made me feel even more invisible because after 22 years of marriage, the best he could do was a cheap bouquet from the supermarket that were predominantly flowers that I was allergic to.
I’m remembering the family and friends that in those early days I thought would be by my side at this point, who have instead made it clear that they can’t see past all the ways I’ve disappointed them to offer love and support when I need it most.
I’m remembering how having my signature witnessed on the divorce application made me feel like throwing up, right there in the foyer of the office where the JP worked. That I was almost overwhelmed by feelings of failure and, in that moment, that I struggled to believe that real love was possible.
I’m remembering all the tears of the past 16 months and the worries for the future.
I might not be happy, but I’m relieved that we’ve made it this far, that the kids and I have survived such emotional turmoil able to love each other and believe we’re heading for a better future. By this time tomorrow I will have passed another significant milestone in the process of freeing myself from the sadness of my past. That’s enough.
I’m so sorry the memories still feel so heavy. My experience was that if I try to stay present and just breathe through all of it, The pain eventually lessened. When you allow yourself to feel the pain, you are able to process it and get to the other side. I’m sure you know all of this. Just a reminder that you are in the middle of a process, not at a final destination. In time, once those memories and feelings lift a bit, I imagine you will be flooded with a sense of relief, and eventually a sense of joy. Sending you lots of love.
I’m sorry you are going through this. But you are strong for even making it to this stage. So many of us have been through is. And often, it is the betrayal – no just of our partners – but of extended family and friends who believe the lies, that hurt the most. If it is of any comfort, some of them won’t come back because of their own issues, but nearly every one will one day soon realise the truth and either apologise, try to make it up to you, or abandon the … toxic person … in disgust. As long as your kids have you in their lives, they will be okay. And as long as you look after you, you will be too. There are draining days, when you feel let down by the system and like it has sucked out your soul … But there are days when you register an unfamiliar feeling. Of happiness. A weight off your shoulders. And realise you are better off. It may be fleeting sometimes my friend. But there are many wise women out there to support you. Rest now x